WHAT TO WRITE ON PEOPLE'S WALLS

Community and our relationship with others in our immediate and global environments will be a key theme of this blog.  I have posted this take on the world of social networking, to focus on how it can be both a positive resource and also, of course, a disconnected one....


WRITING ON THE WALL

there's not a lot left to say about the meaning of walls these days, is there? not after pink floyd
and all the poets and authors who've used walls as symbols of sanctuary or as isolation to avoid
having to deal with the complications of people and all their messy bloody human: stuff.
oh they say concerned, rejected, maybe fussing: i can't get through.  when you've had enough:

so then I just think but  how the hell can i describe the strange architecture I design
how to feel less blocked, more whole, make a place that's a meeting point, and truly mine?
it's not real its virtual,  superficial:  do walls have faces? yes,  a polite and neat facade -
come  write on my wall paste and copy hearts and hollow hugs and some meaingless charade.
look at my profile, this is me, I always look good from the right angle,  if the light falls well
but today i don't have likes and comments dont want pokes feel fake like an empty shell.

now you will think me harsh, my space not fun, or fb and  twitter friendly: social screwball
are you alienated by the blankness of my page today,  pictures of barbed wire on my wall?
and though you never really talk to me, I'm in your collection: we went to the same school
and yesterday, last week, sometime on news feed i was not like this but friendly, cool
maybe you might not want to leave the cheerful goofy comments or update me with a tweet.
some people will facebook friend  you but then ignore you passing by in the street.

I wonder why I feel so pointless, really bored and irritated, don't want to paste and copy,
feel like writing weird graffiti on my wall and making bad response to anything that's soppy.
if twelve people made me smile this week then i'm really bloody lucky and honestly I'm glad -
but I don't want to get these pasted chain messages they make me feel lonely and more sad.
if I want to tell you something special I'll find images, words more personal to share
I don't want to use the same standardised, latest, mass-produced slogan posted everywhere:
then i think, i'm just a bastard, a social aberration if i don't send it forward,  it's unkind.
I do enjoy the networking, and the upbeat stuff, but sometimes a wall's to hide behind.

god damn it today I'm grim and surly and i don't get the point that fb's not for "ugly raw."
I wish that we could connect more: see, feel each other  as people, I want to make a door.
but even then, sometimes I would have to close and lock it. use a sign "not to be disturbed"
god damn it, as you read this, either you get it or by now you're switched off and feel perturbed?

the tough reality though is that I'm ill and stuck at home, and if you are too you'll understand:
more and differently than anyone healthy, active, the isolation in fukkin nowhere land
and how the anchor and the lifeline of the computer and the link with others
often is a vital point of contact, your community, yet how at other times it smothers,
making us feel trapped, frustrated, urgently yearning to be in the world and real
and wanting to be more than words and pictures on a screen: to think, exchange, feel..

and when you're sick and sore and in four walls and behind the walls of internet
you might be wanting living presence, touch, the many strokes and signals we don't get
and so our moods and our reactions get distorted, unhinged and confused
we send out invitations to friends to people we don't know or previously refused.
we forget to answer messages, or we write them in a panic, frantic without reflection
we wonder why someone does not respond on chat, we inflict or suffer on-line rejection
or if we get really messed, missing normal life, we have posting frenzies or suddenly disappear.
did you ever sit at home, fekked up, and staring at your screen in weird shut down and fear?

 we do odd things like removing half our contacts list, in a way that seems quite cold and clinical,
or write intense outpourings telling general acquaintances that we love them: do I sound cynical?
 I'm not you know, I feel, care, breathe, laugh, hurt, enjoy, as we all do and yet feel remote, strange
but my god however alienated it can seem at times, I would go mad without this this laptop inter- exchange

(eva day)

How to speak your dreams….. and hear others stories,

( this is a longer piece than I may often write, but on a theme which is part of what we are all engaged in on the net,, and just "felt right" to me.)

I awoke this morning, groggy and full of feelings of sadness and disappointment, from yet another in a series of trials by dreaming……  sad and troubled dreams…  I am not unduly worried by this, though some have been very unpleasant, as I am sure it will pass and is the natural voice of the soul telling it’s story.  Sometimes we have a great need to tell our dreams to another person… and can bore people to sleep themselves with this if we do not practice a little moderation!!  Many  friends will often listen when a dream is simply rattling in your brain to be shouted out and released….  many soul travellers will listen quietly to our own dreams, or create a dynamic with them.   Other than the relating of the content,  there are other ways to give resolution to distressing dreams, to listen to dreams that may guide, or to give creative space to dreams that just want to learn and grow…

Perhaps I (we?) can come back to that theme again here or elsewhere when the time feels right?  Meanwhile my dream and morning guidance prompts me to share something here:   not the dream itself, but the idea that was asking to be heard…..

I have used to phrases already that are the voice of this idea wanting to talk to you.  The first is “the natural voice of the soul, wanting to tell it’s story.”  The second is “listen quietly to our own dreams  …..”  which doesn’t for me, necessarily mean endless obsessive analysis. But just an openness to meet and recognise the feel, the tone of the dream and say “I hear you” but  where that feels needed  ….  to take that energy into your daily life., into active choices.

My dream, I think asked for a place and a way to tell a story about our shared voices – our courage to speak and our willingness to listen to one another.  For me over a long period of time, having been ill and very weary, and with various brain functions affected,  conversation and verbalising and even physically hearing other people’s voices has been difficult.  (Very strange experience for someone who has always been both a keen conversationalist and idle chatter-er.)  But have been able to communicate – often prolifically, intensely or even obsessively – via written word and computer screen.  I have wondered if quite simply – speech and aural centres of brain are somewhat affected by medications, but the language centres are still charged up and even more so when I am less physically active?)

And then there is listening…..  it would be very tempting to go into a totally self-centred mode when we are ill, and I have seen myself and others go through phases of this.  In fact I feel benevolent to self and others on this one – and find it pretty understandable.  There may be times when that is what is needed.  Those who become silenced through illness experience a great loss.  A person may be silenced through illness for many reasons:  the struggles of a stroke patient, to speak again; or those with Parkinsons,  ME, head injuries and of course Hepatitis C and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Or medications for other conditions, which cause disorientation.   Then there is the loneliness of those who are housebound and rarely speak to other human beings in “real time.”  Those who have depressio;n and one part of them yearns to communicate, while another part shuts down.  Similarly, those with some “special needs” syndromes, who seem remote and aloof but are trapped at times within their wish to communicate but baffling sense of a block on being able to do so. And those who feel they most “stop complaining” stop talking to others about their sickness and struggle.  But the world would be full of the sound of clashing and strident voices, seeking insistently yet pointlessly,  to be heard (and in some moments … it is) if we did not take the time and patience to also listen!!  Fortunately, many good hearts and souls out there will do so… and if we have a willingness also to explore and to reach out, we will find one another. 

The upside of technologies for communication is that this has become much easier.  We have phones and laptops and internet and web cameras….. face book and twitter and something for every type of personality or interest.  It is a practise of mine – and yes, I would say even a spiritual practise or meditation for me – to try to be aware and notice when I am stopping listening….   Perhaps I suddenly realise I am “skim reading” too often and not really taking in the subtleties and tones of another person’s message.  Or am reading it while busy chattering away in own mind, with own interpretations and associations.  In fact, the things that we all can easily fall into in real time conversation with another.  That’s when I want to slow down..  re-read.  Take time to hear the person and to let thoughts and themes from them filter through my own reality.  Often, a person doesn’t need a specific response….. or long one.. But just something that tells them … I hear you.  And for me, if I take the time to “listen to” the written word, there will be a gift in it for me. Or an idea I can pass on to another, elsewhere. (the idea not the content – very important that people feel discretion and confidentiality and respect for boundaries is understood.)

I am honoured when I receive an e-mail, a facebook message or an invitation to read something of significance, from another via cyber world, when it is a sharing of an important part of who they are, or their life.  I takes great trust to do this and yes it sometimes backfires…….   We must listen to our instincts and build good networks of support to undertake this venture, if we want to share real experiences and be safe.  Sometimes we will get hurt or inadvertently (or perhaps in anger) hurt others.  But if we have had patience – and response – in creating a network, then we will still have community to hold us as we move past these learning experiences.

I think that no matter how self-sufficient a person is, as an individual, there is a “hard-wired” part of us all that needs community.  Some of that instinct can be channelled via internet communication.  It is so, so very easy on the internet, to unconsciously approach others and their written words as if they were 2D beings that don’t really exist, except via the screen we look at and our own projections.  A little imagination and mindfulness is needed to remember that the “other” is real, a person with a being, and physical presence and daily life. 

We have e-books and blogs and you-tube videos and so many means of learning about other people’s stories now.  But it would be easy enough to “read”  these stories like a book or “watch” them like a movie.   If “John” tells me his crazy day, he is not a character in a short synopsis of a novel on screen….. he is John living it and sharing it.  If Jane makes a video of her start of treatment – for cancer, for infertility, for whatever….  She is not a movie star making a film “based on a true story.”  She is her own true story.

So for internet contact to be a real shared journey, I think that those of us incorporating it as a tool and medium within our own healing and adventures, need to bring that mindfulness with us each time that we log on……   ok sometimes we will just be in more superficial, light hearted, or playful mode.  And we have plenty of outlets for that.  But somewhere there needs to be a little zone of awareness we switched on in our minds when we pressed the on button for our computer…. That we are on one “side” of a screen and those we connect with are also “present” and there, in their own experience.

Listening and having space to be heard are both vital parts of what will help keep us whole, even through times of loss, sickness, struggle or adversity.  As well as through times of ease or celebration.  Maybe at times we will also “read between the lines” of what someone has written and we may be correct in perceiving  subtleties or implications.. Or we may be actually reading our own (perhaps important) subtexts…..   These can be projections, yes, or they can be useful to us.  But where there is confusion which blocks flow between self and others and closes down our worlds again… I think we need to have courage and straightforward now and then to do a “reality check” with the other person.    Quite simply just asking, if we lost through thread of narrative, or weren’t sure what certain phrases meant.

Again, like the telling of dreams, it is about balance and moderation.  I am sure no-one wants to get hooked into endless analysis of one another’s messages.  But from time to time, a little checking meanings and understandings may be needed…..  Again, this is part of the “listening skills” we would use in person, in every day life.

My dream in it’s darker aspect was about fear of solitary confinement of the heart.  About Not being able to hear and respond to others through the fog of illness and confusion.  About a bleak world in which technology over-rides the real being and connection of the people who use it.  But in it’s hopeful messajge, it  was really about inviting others to be part of creating community beyond isolating circumstances….. about using our resources and tools creatively. And about taking space for myself and encouraging others to do so, also.  Celebrating the shared gifts of listening and being heard.

With love and gratitude to all my on screen, real time friends and contacts. Xxx eva day

(ps. I also have a sense that I want to share a particular piece of writing by a favourite author and story teller – Clarissa PInkola Estes.  This will take some time to find and piece together as I want to offer it… so will do so over the next few days as  that is part of my soul assignment” as prompted by listening to a dream…. !! xx )